Whole Lot a Shakin' Going On

The world needs a new cause to get behind. I propose that we all get together and do something about "global shaking."

For the last ten years or so, there has been much talk about global warming. Scientists, politicians, actors, and groups of various political and religious stripes have all weighed in on the issue. Al Gore, former vice president and one-time presidential wannabe, is the self-appointed spokesperson for the cause. In addition to the appearance of sincerity, Mr. Gore has made a huge pile of money espousing his opinions.

For those of you who have spent the decade living in a cave in Afghanistan (or simply don't have cable television), global warming is the idea that the average temperature of the earth is increasing. This is caused primarily by man's activities; principally manufacturing, travel, and other pursuits of modern living that cause the production of "green house" gases. The two principal gaseous offenders are carbon dioxide and methane. These are introduced into the atmosphere by everything from car exhaust to cow flatulence.

The debate on whether or not the earth's temperature is rising is complicated. Scientist on both sides of the issue have reams of data to support their positions. Recent cold winters in Europe and North America have cast some dispersions on the "warming" side, prompting one prominent scientist to recently state "weather is not climate."

Predictions of the result of the alleged warming have been dire. I recently attended a workshop on southern pine trees at Auburn University. One of the speakers was a scientist from Texas who touted the warming position. This lady was eloquent and had more initials behind her name than this year's winner of the Westminster Dog Show. Her data was impressive--her predictions catastrophic.

She postulated that if the current level of increase in the earth's average temperature is not halted, the South can expect all kinds of catastrophes in the next ten years. Among these were changes in plant life, droughts, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, diseases, and famines. The area where I live in central Alabama will likely become ocean front property. That was about the only good news I got from from her presentation. After all, the Red Head loves the beach, and I'm pretty sure we will never be able to afford anything located there otherwise.

While all this is certainly scary, we do have ten years to turn things around. It would seem to me we have a much more urgent threat: global shaking.

The number of earthquakes the world has experienced in the last six months is startling. Places like Mexico, California, Haiti, Chile, El Salvador, Japan, Sumatra, and China come to mind. Quakes that have caused devastation, death, and injuries.

The urgency of this problem cannot be understated. The U.S. Geological Survey estimates that there may be millions of quakes occurring each year--as many as 50 per day.

Immediate action must be taken. I propose a three-pronged attack.

First we must raise awareness. I suggest we organize a world-wide celebrity concert to raise money. It should be a three day satellite-linked event, capped off by the performers holding hands and singing an anthem. Perhaps they could be lead by Jerry Lee Lewis, with the theme song "Whole Lot a Shaking Going On".

Second, we should get some scientists together to investigate the cause of these earthquakes. They certainly must be caused by something we are doing in our modern lifestyles. My personal theory is that we have become too fat. The extra weight is causing increased pressure on mother earth, and she is reacting. Diets should be mandatory, fatty foods banned, and exercise legislated (preferably something low-impact; a bunch of fat people jumping up and down will only exacerbate the pressure on the earth's surface). For those who don't want to be skinny, never fear--there will be "fat credits" to mitigate your lifestyle choices. If you don't like celery you can simply buy some in exchange for every Big Mac you consume.

Finally, we simply must get the cable news networks on board. After all, the world has a very short attention span, and we simply cannot focus on any story we are not reminded of every hour of every day.

The problem is real and action is needed. We must have leadership.

Where are you Al Gore?