The days tick off one by one, and Christmas day bears down on me like a runaway train. I stand frozen on the tracks, knowing that I must get moving soon or be flattened. It was a day that seemed to take forever to arrive so many years ago when I was a child. Now it sneaks up on me like a final exam in a class that I skipped way too many times.
As I write this, I look across the den at an artificial Christmas tree. It is tastefully decorated by the Redhead, and yet I hate it. No, I despise it. No wait, I loathe it. It is an abomination. I think of the Scripture: "and when you see the abomination of desolation standing in the place where it aught not be, flee for the hills...."
A forester with an artificial Christmas tree. It is Monet deciding to paint a velvet Elvis. It is Anthony Bourdaine eating at McDonalds. It is washing down a canned biscuit with a glass of instant iced tea. As we sometimes say here in Alabama, "it just ain't right."
The abomination was purchased about three years ago. It was a marital compromise. Perhaps compromise is not the right word. I just wore down. Years of complaints about the mess, trouble, and expense of a real tree took a toll. Real trees dry out. They drop needles. They must be disposed of after Christmas. All valid points. I relented. Go ahead and buy the fake tree---whatever.
As I assembled the plastic and wire perfectly-shaped replacement this year, I noticed a large pile of plastic needles on the floor. I said not a word. Sometimes marital harmony is best preserved with an internal smile and simply walking away. A secret satisfaction of sorts.
I will summon my courage and enter the fray this weekend to do my Christmas shopping. I will buy useless, unnecessary gifts for loved ones who lack nothing out of some misplaced sense of obligation or guilt. I will be bumped into, pulled out in front of, cut off, and probably cursed at some point by fellow shoppers. But I will get it done for another year. Joy to the world, peace on Earth and goodwill to men.
I feel a long way from Bethlehem. And like my tree, that is an abomination.
HAHA! Yes, I noticed the falling fake needles, too! Thanks for humoring me for a few Christmas years. I still like my fake tree :)
ReplyDeleteChristmas is much less commercialized here in Mexico. But it is growing and plastic trees are everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn between not wanting the uber consumer experience of the US yet indulging in the holiday spirit. All a balance, I suppose. I do not envy the madness of gift shopping though.
W-H-A-T??!!! Y'all have a FAKE TREE? Let me get this straight: you and the redhead have a FAKE TREE? Wait a minute. Let me get my head around this totally. There is a fake Christmas tree currently in your home?? Get your priorities straight, man. Declare your home a No Gift Zone. Only donations to charities accepted. Eating, drinking, and being merry are all that take place in the house. But the tree--and the food and the friends--are real.
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ReplyDeleteIt's your wife who wanted the fake tree?! During all those years with my previous spouse, I was the one who wanted the fake tree, and she always wanted the real one. Of course, it was me who had to deal with the freaking mess of a real tree. I disliked Christmas almost entirely because of those dang trees and needles.
ReplyDeleteWe currently (different wife) have a fake tree that you cannot tell is fake unless you stick your face into it. The pricy fake ones really look good. And they don't shed. Go buy a new one, a better fake. That's my advice.
Yo, ho, ho.
(P.S. I repeated this comment due to not noticing a typo.)
I grew up with real trees (always a cedar). Now they are my least favorite. I would love to have a real spruce but my dearly beloved is allergic. This is really ok with me because I may want to leave the tree up for El dia de los Reyes. We debated last year about leaving the decorations up all year. When I was younger I could decorate in one day; this year it took five days (don't know if I am that slow or if it is the accumulation of 45 years worth of decorations). You can buy Christmas tree smell in a can or is that an abomination too?
ReplyDeleteBecky C.: I'm glad you are happy. But I'm thing I should have followed the the wisdom of the renowned philosopher Meat Loaf, who said "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that)."
ReplyDeleteLeah: Balance. I think you are on to something.
Anita: I'm so ashamed. Please forgive me just this once. I will work towards reform.
Felipe: I am a forester. We cut trees, we grow more. You Kindle people are already hurting me enough. Gas logs, artificial trees, electronic books. How do you expect me to keep your social security checks coming if I've no way to make a living?
Anon.: Cedar is my Christmas tree of choice. Traditional Southern, great smell--wonderful tree. The tree of my childhood.
And yes, Christmas tree smell in a can IS an abomination.