Tender Things

I marked timber one day earlier this week. Timber "marking" is forester lingo for painting a mark on each tree to be cut and removed from the forest. It is a "select cut" or partial harvest, as opposed to a "clearcut" in which all trees are removed.

The landowner lives in a rustic cabin on the property. He is a musician who plays in a local band--what I might describe as the "artsy" type. Some might describe him as an old hippie.

This nice man decided that we should mark and sell the large (more valuable) pines on his land. He wanted none of the interspersed hardwood trees cut or damaged in any way.

I suppose he is a gentle spirit with an empty wallet.

My friend chuckled a little as he gave me my instructions. "He wants you to mark the trees so that they can be cut tenderly. Those were his exact words. 'I'd like it cut tenderly.'"

I wasn't a part of this conversation between fellow-forester and landowner. If I had been, I would have taught a brief lesson in semantics. Let me provide the basics of it to you, dear reader:

Things that are "tender":
--a mother's touch;
--a baby's bottom;
--a lover's caress;
--a butterfly kiss;
--a nice filet;
--a sprained ankle;
--memories of first love;
--a broken heart.

Things that are not so "tender":
--an NFL linebacker;
--a right uppercut;
--a grizzly bear with a toothache;
--the T-bone steak at the Waffle House;
--a hornet's nest;
--the half-time speech when you're losing by three touchdowns;
--a hickory switch;
--and most importantly, a 90 foot tall pine tree when it is cut.

A pine tree this large will break, smash, cripple, maim, annihilate, and otherwise destroy anything it touches as it proceeds from the vertical to horizontal. Blame gravity--it's the law, you know?

I have a feeling the musician will be singing the blues when his trees are cut.

I, however, sang a little tune as I marked them. It went:

"Softly and tenderly
timber is falling,
Falling for you and for me..."

Sorry. You probably have to be a Baptist to get that one.