Confessions of a Napper

I have a confession to make: I like naps.

I make this admission knowing full well that I will likely suffer innumerable taunts and severe personal consequences from my readers (all ten of you, not counting mom). American society does not look favorably on napping, unless of course you are under the age of five. We are a culture of go-go-go, all out, all the time--until you grab that fabled brass ring you've been told you must have, or settle under a nice piece of sod with a granite stone at Forest Lawn.

Naps are certainly not viewed as "manly." I feel obliged to defend my considerable testosterone levels.

I have spent a great deal of my life proving I am a "man's man." I've smashed baseballs with the boys of Summer and survived August two-a-day football practices. I've run a marathon. I graduated Officer Candidate School in the Marine Corps, one of about 25 in a platoon that began with 75. I've hiked through more woods than Lewis and Clark, and I've ordered that forests be cleared and re-planted. I've hunted and killed woodland animals and put their glassy-eyed heads on my den wall. I've fathered two children, both strong, good-looking manly-types like me. I've persevered through years of droughts, floods, hot, cold, and economic recessions. And although I've never hit a woman, I once gave the idea some serious consideration.

But I am a man who likes a little nap. About an hour does the trick. Anything over an hour and fifteen minutes is just plain wrong. Even nappers must have standards.

I attribute my affinity with naps to my daily schedule over the last twenty years. Foresters, farmers, and milkmen (before they became extinct) believe that they must awaken before sunrise to be effective. After only a few years of this, predawn awakening becomes habit. We can't help ourselves. Weekends, holidays, and other "sleep in" occasions are wasted. The sun's coming up, it's time to get up. Under such circumstances, naps are vital. If there is no opportunity for a nap, bedtime can come pretty early.

Trust me. I have never seen the end of a Monday Night Football game.

I do not share this affliction with the rest of my family. They are people of the night. My oldest son, who chose a normal profession in retail sales, once had to be at work at 6:00 a.m. to take inventory at his store. He came down the stairs at 5:30 and found me fully dressed and enjoying my second cup of coffee. "What are you doing up at this ungodly hour?", he said.

Either I've been real quiet for the last twenty years, or he's a heavy sleeper.

I believe society's negative outlook on naps is unfounded. A lot of great men were nap-takers.

General Patton took naps. When he missed his, he would often slap a Private.

Alexander the Great was only "Alexander the Ordinary" when he missed his daily nap.

And I won't even go into what happened to Napoleon the day he missed his nap. Look it up in the history books.

Perhaps the most famous nap in history is recorded in the Bible, Mark 4:38. Jesus and his disciples were in a boat crossing the Sea of Galilee when a storm came up. Jesus had been through a long day of miracles and preaching. He was taking a nap.

I imagine the scene unfolded something like this:

Peter: "Hey, it's getting rougher by the minute. Wake up the Master."
John: "I'm not waking Him up, you wake Him up."
Peter: "Well, I'm not waking him up. Why should I always be the one to do the talking."
James: "Well, somebody better wake Him up, we're sinking here."

Jesus got up and very patiently calmed the storm.

To me, His reaction to having his nap interrupted is as much a miracle as the quieted storm. How was it possible to remain sinless in such a situation?

My reaction would have been "HELLO?! Here's me taking a nap. What part of 'I'm going to take my nap now' did you not understand? Do you think that you guys could show a little consideration here?"

I'm going to take a little nap now. All this writing has worn me out.